Depression

Depression......

2 Weeks ago, I said in social media 'Path' that I will make one of the biggest decision in my life and I am ready for all the consequences.

Reading this until the end, you will get to understand why I think and behave in a certain way also how is it like to live with depression.

Yes, like the title says, Depression. I have decided to open up about my constant battle with the voices in my head which called Depression for more than 9 years. (From when I was around 15, I am 25 this year)

You may think what is a big deal and why it is one of the biggest decision in my life. It's because you have no idea how hard it is to speak about it publicly. Even at this very moment, I found it very hard to speak about it and tell the world that I am suffering. After seeing people opening up about their depression and how it helped them to become themselves and not to be a pretender, it gave me a courage to speak about it. No one knows about it, not even family nor my best friends unless they noticed on their own. Friends think and make fun of you asking why are you always look depressed or sad, Indonesians calls, 'Galau'. But they don't know what I am going through.

I have to tell you this first. Depression is different from feeling depressed. Everyone, one time in life might have feel depressed when thing goes wrong or had a break up or other bad things happened and through time you will overcome that and feel better again; that's feeling depressed.

Depression is a bit different. Almost every single day, no matter how things goes, even if you have no problem in your life and everything goes well, you still feel sad, losing sense of purpose. That's depression.

Yes, for 9 years I have been fighting with Depression. I was suicidal. Having so many sleepless nights and waking up every single day, the voice in my head told me that I am worthless, have no value in this world and have no talent. (Ok to make things clear, No, I am not planning to take my own life. No Longer). I was living in fears about everything, losing confidence in myself, seeing things negatively. Feeling insecure for almost everything. Satisfaction is gone. Telling myself why are you even trying when you know that nothing gonna help. Mood swings. Feel like you will never be happy again. It hurts you so much everyone tells you to go and try to be happy.

The scariest thing about Depression is that you get used to it. You begin to think that it is normal. You stuck in that, it becomes a daily routine in your life. Depression becomes your best friend.

You might not understand why would people commit suicide and it might sound so stupid for you for anyone to that. People has that kind of thought because they fear life more than death.

Because of that, I had thoughts about taking my own life, several times and there was one time that I was really close to do so but something stopped me. It was God.

*I am gonna talk about my relationship with God for a bit*

If you want to know how God stopped me? It was this verse.

Fear not, for I am with you;
Be not dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you,
Yes, I will help you,
I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’
 Isaiah 41:10

(For those who knows me well. You will notice that how I love this verse and I keep this verse. I even have a wooden block written with this verse made by me and place it at where I can see every morning when I wake up)

When I saw this, I couldn't stop crying and felt peace at same time. I don't really know how I got to see this verse, but for sure I wasn't reading Bible and through people around me. I was already a Christian that time but I never really go to Church and believed in Jesus. Starting from there, I started to go to Church and I started to see Hope again. For my view of religion, I don't see Christianity as a religion, religion is a concept made by human, but it is about my relationship with God, Jesus Christ.

Through that, my suicidal thoughts are gone now. But that doesn't mean that I overcame depression. Until this very second, it is still there.

I tried lots of thing to feel better and nothing really worked. (Ok, to make sure, I never tried drugs nor pick up a unhealthy habit which is smoking). I do go to clubs but not to hook up with girls or to be drunk. I go there because it has loud musics and crowd, at least I can't stop the voice in my head for a while, for few hours.

Many of you might have heard me saying that I don't really like human or human interaction. That's a lie. I like people but it is just my fear and social anxiety stopping it. I fear meeting new people and I feel anxious and tired interacting with people that I am not really close with. You will notice that lately I go back to Indonesia very often (Indonesia is my home because people who matter the most in my life lives there, but I am still a Korean passport holder) and only meet with certain group of friends. I will always look for them and tell them that I will go back. It is because when I am with them, I feel better. I feel happy and much alive. I can stop the voice in my head. And I really thank them for that, their presence means a lot for me. I don't need to mention the names here, you know who you are.

I have a very small circle of friends. I may know lots of people but I can barely talk to them. People who get to know me, I will consider them as a friend. But that group of friends that matter the most in my life, they are more than my friends or best friends, they are like my family that I could do anything for them.

I have lost a lot of friends in my life and became just people who each other knows. It might be because of my behavior and disappear all of sudden. For those who felt like I disappeared, never reply to chat again or never talk to you again, I am really sorry. I didn't mean that. I hope you understand why I behave certain way. Not that I hate nor dislike you, but it is just me, I needed to have my alone time and the voice in my head is telling to stop talking to people.

It is the same case why I travel alone, why I go other places alone and why I eat alone. It's not just about loneliness or I don't have people to do it together, but it is not easy for me to interact like that.

Instagram posts. In my profile I stated that 'Every picture I have taken has a hidden story to tell, about my life'. I didn't say that to look mysterious and to look cool somehow but it really does. Every detail in the picture and the caption I have written has a story to tell. It is telling a story of mine. As I never had a courage to open up to people, social media, pictures, quotes and caption became my platform to share my story. Do I take picture to get attention or somehow trying so hard to take good pictures and use hashtags to attract likers or followers and become famous? No, I don't like attentions. What I am trying to do is solely sending message to others. Who knows, 1 person in this life might get my message and somehow get them to feel that you are not alone. I rather get 1 like or 1 follower from a person who gets my message and got helped than having hundreds of like of follower but impacting no one.

How I got depression? Honestly, I have no idea too.

Some might not understand what I said here or feel it. That's is completely fine, because you don't suffer this and I hope you will never go through what I have been going through. It's okay to not understand me, as I don't understand myself. I hardly express myself. This story is I guess the best way possible to describe myself though it is not easy to write.

The voice is still telling me to not write this and post it. It tells you stop as people will judge you, people will think I have mental problem, people will avoid you and people will leave you. I am okay. I am ready for that. Through this way, I can be myself no longer a pretender. I don't want to pretend that I am fine, smile all the time, being cheerful like that but deep inside my heart it is screaming for help and feeling sad.

Until now I am not taking any medication, only had once when I was down sick because of stress and doctor gave me anti-depressant in the end but never mentioned about depression I am going through. I am not seeking to look for psychiatrist. Don't worry too much about me. Through I still have depression, I am no longer suicidal. I am still see the light at the end of the tunnel and even in the darkest could, I won't stop and I won't give up. Just one thing, I just don't want my parents to know about this.

If you are reading this and going through the same with me, I just wanna tell you that you are not alone. You don't have to go through this alone. You can seek for help. Trust me there are lots of nice people in this world left who will help you and not judge you. Be yourself, you have hope though it might be hard for you to see but you do have a hope. You might feel like you don't deserve to be happy, trust me, you deserve it.

If you are intending to text me and talk about my depression, I appreciate your concern and help but please, Don't do that. I am still not comfortable to openly discuss about it. If you do, you might see me avoiding the discussion.

Thank you so much for those who read until the end. I don't know how to express it better. But I feel much better after posting this.

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Happier You: Looking back at 2015

I know it's kinda late as people usually do this like end of the year or 1st day of the year. But better to be late then never. (Actually I didn't have any plan to write this at all but I suddenly felt like I had to; believing someone who read this will get benefit from this)

Well, for those who has never read my previous posts before, just to let you know, I just share my thought and what I have learned through my life.

Just like the title says..... Looking back at 2015... I don't want to tell a long story like going through each month chronologically. Here is just my main key take away.

2015!

2015 didn't really go as I expected, I must tell 2015 was one of the worst year for me but reflecting on it, I learned so many of valuable lessons.

But my main key take away from 2015 is....

To learn to love myself more, to find my own happiness and to

appreciate myself more.






It may sound so selfish, but for years I have been living my life to make other people happy. I spent most of my time thinking about how I can make people around me happy and I have failed so many times.

In 2015, I lost things that I considered part of the most important thing in my life. I was shattered into pieces. It drove me crazy but it was just part of our life. Time didn't heal me, but people around me and the lessons I took healed me.

Just like I said above, I spent too much time trying my best for other but I never really took time to see my self and never paid attention to my own happiness. I was burnt out, drained and so unmotivated.

This gave me time to see my current state which was in a complete mess. I wasn't happy about my life, I just faked it, pretended everything was okay until the bubble burst.

I was in too much stress and needed an escape. Well thanks to whatever happened, it made me to see and made me to be grateful about what I actually have, of course my family and friends, especially my best friends from high school. No wait, they are not best friends, they are more than that; I consider them as my own family, my brothers.

No, we don't stay in 1 country. I don't get to meet them so often as all three of them are in Indonesia and I am in Singapore. I can't thank them more as they knew I needed someone at that stage, and they took their time off (though they are busy) to be there for me. We all decided to go travel to Bangkok, Thailand. Friendship for almost 10 years, but we never really had even one time to travel, just 4 of us, to somewhere. This actually gave us a chance to be bonded more and to have time together. (Many more to come Bros!!)

They helped me a lot to build up back my confidence and to think positively and things turn out GREAT! I regained my happiness and great things started to happen to me; one of them was moving internally in the company to a department that I really wanted to go. Besides that I realized that I am much more happier now.

I learned a GREAT lesson in 2015. Life is about being happy. When we are happy, we are more motivated, inspired to make people around us to happy as well and our positive energy will spread around us. Not just being happy alone, not just making others happy, but to be happy together. Everyone deserves to be Happy.

My dream and what I believe is still the same. Everyone deserves to be happy and everyone has a reason to be happy no matter what happens in the life. I want to help others to see that, but I realized I need to take a good care of myself first. If I am not happy about myself, how am I going to make others happy. Let's make and do something that make everyone happy together.

I am starting to list down what I want to do and achieve next year which will make me happy.
To begin with, in 2016 I want to travel more, make more new friends and spend more time with my beloveds.

I am going to stop here, and I just want to tell you few more things.
If you are someone who was like me, focusing on other people happiness, please listen to me. It's your life, not others. Yes, they are part of your life but you are the author and main character in your
life. For everyone, please take a moment and think. Are you happy? Yes? Good! Keep it up. No? It's time for you to reflect and count your blessings, even a small thing will do. Be grateful about it and appreciate it. You deserve to be happy and you are meant to be happy. If things go against you, if the world seems to be against you, don't believe that. You have full control in your life, you can change it. You can be happy. Go out! See around! Challenge your fear and seek for things that makes you happy.


Let's make 2016 AWESOME~!!!

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